Behind the Panty: I will be a mom
We’ve all had those moments in life when a kind reminder has gotten us through a tough spot. Behind the Panty is the story of the moments and women that inspired the phrases.
We’ve had a lot of people sharing the “I will be a mom” panty over the last couple of weeks. We asked our founder, Joy, to share her story.
“The decision was made for us”
That’s my response to everyone who asks if I have children. It took me years before I could say that without clenching my jaw or fighting back tears. It took me just about as long to stop mentally saying “f you” to every pregnant woman I saw.
I didn’t struggle long with infertility in relation to so many women. We started trying because I went off the pill for a health reason. We kept at it for a year. Given that both of us were traveling about 75% of the time, we had an easy excuse for why it wasn’t happening – we just kept missing my ovulation window.
After the first year, and having that friend that got pregnant two weeks after going off the pill, I started tracking my temp. Every morning I’d record my waking temperature, enter it into my spreadsheet, and watch the chart. We’d make sure we hit the window when the chart indicated ovulation. Still, nothing.
I started dreading the week before my period, when my temperature would start to go down. When I would realize that I wouldn’t need to pee on a stick. I dreaded the weeks that it didn’t go down, giving me that sparkle of hope that this was the month. Those times, when the stick showed me negative, I told myself I was one of the odd women who didn’t have high hormone levels. I would go through three or four days of testing and negative results before I gave up and just waited for the period cramps to start.
My doctor took steps and sent me through all the tests, put me on Clomide. All those did were send me to the emergency room when my body reacted so negatively to the tests and drugs. I added another dread to my list, stirrups.
At two years into trying, we visited a fertility specialist. Both of us did the final battery of tests. We learned it’d be a miracle if we got pregnant unassisted.
Two years and it came down to either go through IVF or don’t have a baby. We left the doctor’s office and headed to a Mexican restaurant next door. Over chimichangas and beer, we talked about what to do next. We were tired, we were mourning, we couldn’t keep doing this to ourselves. We decided we wouldn’t pursue any child-getting paths. No IVF, no adoption, no surrogacy.
Randomly over the next couple of years, one of us would ask the other if we were still ok with the decision. We never changed our mind but we did cry each time we reaffirmed it with each other. Time passed and that kernel of sadness shrank, the mourning lessened, and we moved on.
We’re content with our decision and happy with our life. But the struggle I went through with self-doubt, dread, feeling like a failure, scarred me. It was a dark time. But trying to bring a new life into the world shouldn’t be dark.
I made this panty to so you can focus on the end goal, that you will be a mom. One of those amazing moms that never stops hugging and kissing their kids, that loves them the way they are, that helps them grow into their own. I made this panty because you have to remain positive, to keep focused on the beauty of what you are trying to do. Telling yourself that you will be a mom brings it back.
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